Exploring the C.O.R.E. Attributes
The Designer #6: A Deep-Dive into the Elements of the C.O.R.E. System
This issue of the Designer Newsletter is free to read for a limited time. To get the full value of this article, read the previous article called C.O.R.E. Attributes.
Curiosity
“There. That was the moment where it all unraveled.” I stood in complete shock as my twenty thousand-dollar mistake was revealed to me. It was still early in my Magic career at a Pro Tour championship in Chicago. After fighting my way through over a dozen opponents over two days, I had just lost a match that would have qualified me for the finals on Sunday and an additional cash prize.
It was a match that was easy to lose. My opponent had a blisteringly fast draw, with a perfect blend of resource cards (lands) and action cards (spells). He put pressure on me from turn one, playing cards at a lightning pace. My hand was slow, with only 3 spells I could play before turn seven. I played a defensive game, playing two Wall of Roots cards and using them to block a few attacks. I kept hoping I could draw more spells and turn the tide on the match. Instead, I kept drawing lands, useless in this situation. Turn by turn, my chances of victory crumbled. I had a game-winning card stuck in my hand, just one resource short of being able to play it. With even one more spell draw, I probably could have survived long enough to play my game-winning card, but fortune was not with me that day.
I got unlucky, and I lost. Most players would stop there, complaining to their friends about how unjust the world is. And, to be fair, I also did my share of complaining. But I also had a practice of reviewing each match with a teammate after each round. We went turn by turn through the game to see if I missed something; some other way that the game could have played out. And in this case, we found it. Had I sacrificed one of my Wall of Roots early in the game, there was a small window where I could have used its effect from my discard pile, giving me a bonus resource. That resource would have let me play my game-winning card a turn earlier- exactly when I needed it. The lesson couldn’t get me back the championship I lost, but it made me a better player and ensured I would never repeat that same mistake. Getting curious is the first step to growth.
Have you ever found yourself in the middle of a task, only to realize your mind has wandered off to a completely unrelated topic? Is it possible that even now, reading these words, your mind is distracted thinking of something else? It’s a familiar struggle for most of us. My meditation practice frustrated me for years. One moment I was deeply focused on my breath, the next I was mentally casting a movie about my life (with George Clooney playing the lead, of course). Soon after I was crafting a witty comeback for an argument I had in 2009 and then I pondered the purpose of that tiny pocket in my jeans. Boredom and frustration bubbled up like an underground volcano. I could be literally doing anything else in the world right now, and instead, I’m supposed to focus on breathing. What could possibly be interesting about that?
All of that changed for me based on a single trick taught to me in a meditation class. It's a tool that breathes life into anything requiring focus, energy, and creativity. Intrigued?
Well, if you weren’t already clued in by the post title, then you are feeling it right now—curiosity. I was instructed to get curious about my attention and the object of attention. You can try this exercise right now. If you’ve never meditated before, set a timer for 30 seconds and try to focus on your breath. Don’t let your attention wander.
If you are like most people, you lose focus within the first few seconds (often without realizing it). Now comes the experiment. Set your timer again, but before starting the 30-second countdown, read the questions below as prompts and then focus on the breath, picking an area of curiosity that appeals to you.
Can you tell the precise moment when the inbreath ends and the outbreath begins?
What particular sensations do you feel during this transition?
How does your chest and abdomen respond to each breath?
How does the air feel as it enters and exits your nostrils or mouth?
How are these sensations different?
Do you notice a change in the sound as you breathe in and out?
By sparking curiosity about these minute details, what previously felt like a chore turned into a captivating activity. I discovered that there's an unexplored universe within the simple act of breathing.
Remember the last time you were genuinely curious about something—a new game, a mystery story, or a tantalizing piece of gossip? You likely found it enjoyable to invest time learning about the subject. The activity felt invigorating rather than tedious. Your energy level spiked, and time melted away as you delved deeper into the subject. Now imagine channeling this same curiosity into all aspects of your life.
Harnessing curiosity can transform your world. Like a child seeing a rainbow for the first time, your world becomes filled with magic. It makes you more creative and vibrant and equips you to tackle tasks that might otherwise feel mundane. Even setbacks and losses become fascinating puzzles waiting to be solved. From personal experience playing in Magic tournaments, I learned that losses could fuel my curiosity and propel me to dissect my strategies and learn from my mistakes.
After many unsuccessful attempts at refining the lightbulb, Thomas Edison famously claimed, "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won’t work." Most of us would tire after a handful of attempts, let alone 10,000. But Edison didn't succumb to despair. His curiosity fueled his perseverance. If you want to experience your own ‘lightbulb moment’ it's crucial to nurture and follow your curiosity.
Exercise: Deep Dive Down a Rabbit Hole
It is far easier to develop an existing passion than to manufacture one. Start by identifying things that spark your interest. Make a list of areas you are curious about or things you’ve always wanted to learn. If you're unsure where to begin, revisit your childhood interests. What did you love to do before you had responsibilities? Once you’ve generated the list, select one or two areas to explore.
For the purposes of this exercise, I suggest you choose at least one area unrelated to your current career. This will help you break out of your normal mode of thinking and remind you that this exploration is for fun, not for work. Dedicate time each week to delve into your chosen interests. This could involve watching related videos, attending local meetups, taking a class, or diving into insightful books.
While this might seem irrelevant to your broader goals initially, the aim is to stoke your curiosity. As you fan its flames, you'll find its benefits permeating all aspects of your life and you will be able to make astounding connections between seemingly unrelated subjects.
Obsession
Obsession, when harnessed properly, is a superpower. One of my obsessions is with productivity and optimizing my day. I was never satisfied in my hunt for the perfect set of tools. The search for the ultimate journal became a particular fixation. I wanted a journal I could easily carry with me that would lay open on my desk and had just the right amount of direction to keep me organized while giving me room to be creative.
I couldn’t find it. Some wouldn’t lay open right and others were too bulky. Often, they had subsections and labels that made no sense to me. I started creating my own journal using a rubber band and notecards. Each day, I would jot down my three most important tasks for the day, list my three core habits, and write three things I was grateful for. The 3 x 5 notecards were perfect for fitting in my pocket and could easily lay on a desk.
Those notecards continued to get refined until I eventually transformed them into the Level Up Journal, which included early versions of many of the principles I now write and talk about. Taking in feedback from the thousands of readers who used the journal helped me continue to refine the principles and make them more useful to a wide range of people. By staying focused on my own peculiar obsession, I was able to transform both my passion for productivity and my annoyance at not finding the tool I wanted into a creative mission. This recipe of “scratching your own itch” and diving deep into the details of your obsessions has shaped some of the most iconic products in the world.
Perhaps one of the most well-known examples of this obsession was the creation of the iPhone. Steve Jobs was determined to create a phone that was not just a communication device but a full-fledged computer that fit in one's pocket. He refused to compromise on his vision, despite numerous technical challenges. His obsession paid off when the iPhone was launched in 2007, reshaping the entire mobile phone industry.
Jobs’ obsession extended even to his personal life. When he bought a historic mansion in Woodside, California, he became obsessed with furnishing it. However, his obsession with finding the perfect furniture led him to live in the house, almost unfurnished for years. The few pieces he did select were chosen after meticulous research and examination.
Jobs' obsession was his superpower. His relentless focus on perfection and his uncompromising vision set new standards in personal computing, animated movies, music, phones, tablet computing, and digital publishing. His obsession, while arguably extreme, was a driving force in his unparalleled success.
How can we cultivate the positive power of obsession in our own life? What is the secret to being able to focus on what matters, to the exclusion of all else?
How you spend your attention is how you spend your life. The world constantly tries to distract you with advertisements, social media, and cat videos (don’t do it). Most of us unconsciously bounce from one distraction to the next, never truly engaging in deep work or presence with what is here now. Modern focus is scattered and weak. To be truly superhuman, you must practice deep focus.
The Clarity of the Grave
Here is my favorite Steve Jobs quote that gets to the heart of his obsession:
“Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Almost everything--all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure—these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important.”
Many people think that remembering we are going to die is morbid and would prefer to ignore this inescapable fact. The point of bringing awareness to death is not to languish in it but to be inspired by it. We waste our entire lives distracted by minutiae. We wander through the world in a waking trance of consumption, posturing, and numbing. Don’t wait until your deathbed to realize that your life was spent poorly. There is no more important message I can deliver than this:
You only get one life in this game. Don’t waste it!
Obsession is the glowing ember in the heart of every monumental achievement; it’s the spark that can ignite an ordinary life into an extraordinary existence. This isn't the same as compulsion, where you act without concern for the consequences. It isn’t the same as busyness, where you fill your days with tasks that are unimportant to create the illusion of progress. To cultivate a healthy obsession, we need to get clear on what is worth obsessing over and what gets in the way. Obsession is the driving force that distills life into clarity, casting aside the superfluous in favor of what truly matters.
Your life is a fleeting moment in the grand narrative of time, yet it can potentially leave an indelible imprint. So let your obsessions be your guide; let them light up your path through the wilderness of distractions, doubt, and fear. It's through embracing this burning intensity, this relentless pursuit, that you author a life worth remembering, one that resonates with purpose, passion, and profound fulfillment.
Exercise: Write Your Eulogy
This exercise had a powerful impact on shaping my life when I did it about a decade ago. It helps to cultivate a healthy awareness of death and gives clarity about what matters to you.
Imagine your own funeral many years from now. You’ve lived your dream life and you get to watch people give eulogies about you. Take a moment to really visualize this event. Where are you? Who are the people in attendance? What are they saying? Are you praised as a loving partner, parent, or friend? Did you inspire others or accomplish great deeds? Were you known in your community as someone charitable and good? Jot down the things that stand out to you.
Now, compare the path you are on today to the one you need to be on to justify all those incredible things people said about you in your vision.
What do you need to focus on to make sure what they say about you is true?
What trivial things have you let get in the way that you can let go of?
Get obsessed about becoming the version of you that you imagined in this exercise.
Resilience
What empowers a person to rebound from adversity? Why can some leverage hardship as a catalyst for flourishing while others crumble under the weight of trauma? The answer is intricately woven into the tapestry of human resilience.
Research has shown that resilience is not a magical ability possessed by a chosen few. It is a skill that can be learned. As humans, we are endowed with a remarkable capacity to rise from the ashes of suffering and setbacks. Resilience does not imply an immunity to pain or misfortune. It is the grace with which we confront and transcend life's inevitable challenges.
In his book, "Antifragile," Nassim Taleb introduces a concept that encapsulates the essence of resilience. When subjected to stress, fragile things shatter while antifragile things grow stronger. For instance, the journey to physical fitness demands exertion that strains your body, tearing your muscles and taxing your cardiovascular system, initiating a response that enhances your capacity to manage future strain. Struggling through difficult problems can have the same effect on your mental and emotional strength. So, how does one refine resilience? What is the key to turning the challenges we face into opportunity for growth? This power comes primarily from our ability to generate meaning.
Discover the Purpose in Your Suffering
"He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how." - Friedrich Nietzsche
Victor Frankl, a survivor of the Nazi concentration camps during World War II, echoed Nietzsche’s sentiment in his insightful book, “Man’s Search for Meaning.” He observed the stark contrast between prisoners who succumbed to the grim reality of life in a concentration camp and those who, against all odds, thrived amidst the harshest conditions imaginable. The differentiating factor was their ability to unearth a purpose and find meaning in their lives, which acted as a beacon of resilience.
Reflecting on my own life, I can pinpoint the most agonizing events—my divorce, the brink of bankruptcy, and the loss of loved ones. While I would not wish these tragedies upon anyone, they served as catalysts for the life I cherish today. My divorce spurred a journey towards self-improvement in relationships and communication. My financial meltdown spurred the renovation of my business and fortified me against future challenges. And the loss of loved ones imparted a profound appreciation for the fleeting moments I share with those I hold dear.
Can you find purpose in your own trials and tribulations? Can you transmute these challenges into a source of strength? What narrative can you craft that bolsters your resilience? If possible, align your personal suffering with a purpose to assist others. There are countless times I would have given up in life if I was just striving for myself. But when I know others are depending on me, or I am working for a greater good, giving up is no longer an option. Shifting your 'why' from self-serving to serving others amplifies its potency in building resilience.
Empathy
We all share one common need at the core of our being. It is the foundation of our success, happiness, and even our basic survival. It is also the source of our deepest fears and secret shames. This need is the cause of our most painful moments and feelings of loss. That need is other people.
The parent who feeds you and protects you.
The lover whose touch you crave.
The boss who holds your career in their hands.
The friend who makes you laugh so hard your stomach hurts.
Our need for others is well-substantiated by research. Studies consistently show that the more deep, meaningful relationships you have in your life, the happier and more successful you will be. A study conducted by the American Psychological Association linked positive social relationships with improved physical health and longevity. Interviews with the elderly and sick, as documented in Bronnie Ware's book "The Top Five Regrets of the Dying," reinforce that the greatest regret is not investing enough in family and friendships.
If other people are the key to our long-term happiness, then why is it so challenging to get along with them?
The short answer is that people are complicated. All of us share many things in common, but it is the differences that divide us. We all have a unique set of backgrounds, beliefs, desires, and hidden assumptions that drive our behavior. We also have a few cognitive quirks that make it particularly difficult to understand things from another person’s point of view. We attribute blame more quickly to others than to ourselves. We learn patterns when we are young that cover our eyes like a sepia lens filter, blocking out color and texture from the world.
Like a fish trying to understand water, it is nearly impossible for us to imagine the world outside of the context we’ve always lived in. It is hard enough to relate to the siblings you grew up with, let alone those of another gender, race, religion, or culture.
But here's the good news: this challenge isn't insurmountable.
Empathy is the learned skill of listening to others and building bridges of understanding that increase one's connection. Empathizing with someone is not the same as agreeing with them. It is merely understanding the world from their point of view and communicating that understanding in a way they can hear.
Increasing your empathy will help you in every facet of your life, whether you want to find a spouse, raise a child, or succeed in business. Other people are the key to all of our desired outcomes. Beyond that, a deeper connection to others holds value in and of itself. Having greater empathy will make you happier and more peaceful and give you more tools to relate to others and yourself.
Exercise: Practice CARE with others
The formula for increasing your empathy can be summed up with the acronym C.A.R.E.
Conscious Observation: Listen and observe with full focus
Active Reflection: Mirror their words and sentiments
Respect and Validation: Name the underlying emotion and need
Enroll in your Vision: Speak to the underlying emotions and needs
Conscious Observation
Early in my game design career, I learned that relying on player reports was not a reliable way to get feedback on my games. Far more important was watching what they actually did and looking for nonverbal cues. Seeing players smiling and joking about a recent challenge told me that the game's social elements were working. Seeing a player lean back and start checking their phone told me that the game wasn’t engaging enough. Training this instinct is a superpower.
Imagine you're a detective, like the mythical Sherlock Holmes. Every twitch of an eyebrow, tilt of a head, or shift in tone of voice is a potential clue into someone's internal world. Observe body language, facial expressions, and behavior patterns, much like a wildlife expert would decode the complex dynamics of an animal pack. These subtle cues can often unveil more about a person's state of mind than their words. Pay particular attention when these non-verbal cues don’t align with the words they are telling you. Use your observations to support you in the next step.
Actively Engage and Reflect
Your work isn't done by observation alone. Engage with your conversation partner, be present, and listen without the urge to respond immediately. Like a mirror, reflect their words, emotions, and thoughts. You could paraphrase their statements starting with “What I hear you saying is…” or make gentle conjectures like, "It seems you are worried about..."
At first, you may hear things like, “No, that’s not right.” When you hear this, prompt for more information. “Please say more.” This phrase is one you should use often to keep diving deeper. Just keep iterating between “What I hear you saying is…” and “Please say more.” until you get them to enthusiastically agree with your restatemet of their words and feelings. This feedback cycle is excellent practice and allows you to fine-tune your intuitions and get to know the people around you better. This practice not only ensures you understand them correctly, but it also shows them that you care enough to really listen.
Respect and Validation
Think of a time when you faced a challenging situation, such as a breakup. Imagine talking to a friend who immediately says, “Don’t worry; I’ll hook you up with someone else,” and ends the conversation there. You would probably feel unheard and unsatisfied.
Before you're ready to hear solutions, you want to feel a connection. “Oh no! That must be heartbreaking. I've been there,” or a friend saying, “I can see why you're upset. This is tough." Such validation doesn't mean they agree with all your choices or opinions, but they acknowledge and respect your feelings. Practice this with others. It creates a safe space where people feel respected and understood. Once they feel understood, they are much more open to other types of support.
As an analytical-minded gamer, this practice was grueling for me! I wanted to respond with the correct answers without first taking the time to understand the problem fully. No matter how good I thought the advice was, this habit closed off the connection. Most people aren’t looking for a solution—they want to feel heard. Practice this approach, and you’ll be amazed at how much better your conversations with those closest to you go.
One of my favorite TV Shows is The West Wing. Below is a story shared by one of the characters, Leo McGarry, a recovering alcoholic, that epitomizes empathetic support.
This guy's walking down a street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep, he can't get out. A doctor passes by, and the guy shouts up, "Hey you, can you help me out?" The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a priest comes along, and the guy shouts up "Father, I'm down in this hole, can you help me out?" The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. "Hey Joe, it's me, can you help me out?" And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, "Are you stupid? Now we're both down here." The friend says, "Yeah, but I've been down here before, and I know the way out."
Enroll in Your Vision
Empathy may seem like a passive skill of listening and reflecting, but it's more than that. Understanding the needs and feelings of others allows you to craft your vision in a way that enrolls and inspires. Martin Luther King Jr. may be the most famous example of crafting his dream in a way that resonated with millions. He articulated shared pain and aspirations so vividly that people were compelled to join his cause. To enroll others into your vision, you must first understand their hopes, fears, and beliefs. Incorporate their ideas and show them how your goals align with their values. Take notes as you listen. Bring your genuine concern and active listening to bear when crafting your vision. When communicating that vision, use the same language you hear from those you want to help and influence. Empathy is key to achievement because when people see themselves in your vision, they are more likely to support it.
Your life’s journey is helplessly and gloriously interwoven with those around you. When honed and mastered, empathy can transform these encounters from a cacophony of misunderstandings into a symphony of connections. It's more than a mere skill—it's a habit, a philosophy, a way to navigate this wondrous world of ours. Embrace empathy and level up this most human of skills to elevate both your life and the lives of those around you.
I hope you found this deeper dive into the CORE traits and exercises helpful. This was my longest post yet, so if you read this far, thank you for taking the time. Let me know what you think and what you would like to see me write about next!
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Thanks for another interesting post. I am going to try the "curious meditation" tonight.
SB